I always dreamt of writing a parenting book. I imagined it would be filled with antidotes and encouragement. Just like this blog, I wanted it to be filled with practical wisdom, empathetic reminders, and wit. Today, someone jokingly said “write a manual about how you’ve raised your boys” and that sweet remark inspired a long, overdue blog post. I’ve been creating most of my content on Instagram lately and not making nearly enough time for my blog writing. So, alas, here I am. Sharing my “parenting manual.” Lessons learned, things I’d do differently, moments of growth, moments of despair and exhaustion. I’ll be speaking to the little years, because I cannot begin to fathom what lies ahead as we approach middle school, high school, cell phones, driving, first jobs, and college applications. Here you’ll find my “manual” for 0-10. A manual for loving your children well, even as a mediocre mama like me. Most of these lessons have been born from errors on my part. Moments I wished I could have had a “do over.”
(Funnily, I asked my kids what they’d say I should include, I’ll notate their suggestions below.)
Spend lots of time together. This will look different for every family, but that time together lays a foundation, a rhythm. When you can, eat dinner together as a family. I know this advice seems antiquated and counter cultural in a world that promotes busyness. There is something so beautiful about having the kids set the table, eat their food, share about their day. It is this natural transition in the day between work and home. My love of family dinner has inspired me to become a better cook, to google questions to ask over dinner, to invest in some thrift store fancy cups. Don’t make things overly complicated– serve something everyone likes when you can, have fun dinners, take out counts. You will never forget the first time your toddler prays alongside you, because the routine is so natural.
Be silly together– let your hair down, these years are short, but they can be fun filled. Say yes when you can, so when you need to say no, its already been balanced out.
Give your kids responsibilities– trust them, let them make mistakes and take calculated risks. Give them a little freedom while they are close enough that you can help them navigate stuff. I find this gives kids more confidence. Let them climb on that thing that makes you hold your breath when you watch. Give them chores. This was a foundational skill I wanted my kids to have a better understanding of as young adults than I did. No one taught me how to clean things when I was younger, so I have included my kids in the daily responsibilities of running our home since day 1. Call me crazy, but I find they take better care of stuff.
Know their temperaments and recognize how it may be different than yours. We talk about this a lot in marriage, but its the same in parenting. Our children will have varying temperaments. Be mindful of this, because one way you may handle something with one child could break another one’s heart.
Follow their lead– this is something I’ve constantly had to work on as a parent. It is tempting to want to do all the cutesy Pinterest things online, but I learned that many of these things don’t match my kids interests. They’d rather me put my phone down and wrestle with them on the living room floor. Keep an eye out on their interests as they grow, and help them nurture those things.
Let them get bored, like truly bored. This has been a hard thing for me to comprehend as a mother, because I grew up being told that “ideal hands are the devil’s workshop” so being bored is something that gives me anxiety. Here’s what I’ve learned though that ideal hands can also become creative hands, hands that reach for a book, hands that invent things, cook things.
Teach them manners * I’m marking this, because this was one my boys told me to include. They get complimented on their manners often, and I think it makes them feel good enough they wanted me to include this. From the time my boys were learning to talk, I tried to install in them “please, thank you, ma’am, sir” We lived in Indiana at the time and it was interesting a lot of people didn’t like being called ma’am. OR it was a dead giveaway that I was from the South. I think that not just manners, but teaching children how to talk to people, how to be pleasant, is such an invaluable lesson. Teach them phrases like, “Thank you for inviting me” and other grateful expressions.
Buy the good snacks. I’m not saying nutrition isn’t important, but I am saying that my kids open up the most when its over a plate of pizza rolls. I’ve also found snacks and yummy food to be an integral part of building connection with their friends. I pray we are the “hang out house” someday.
Read all the time, books in the car on audio, books at meal times, books at bed time. Read fiction, non-fiction, stories about brave people, stories about people who are different than they are. Books that too advanced, books that have pictures, books with poetry. Read, read, read. Look on Pinterest for suggestions of books, and I’ve found some fun reading comprehension lessons. Read outside, read in a fort, read everywhere. Go to the library, slip them a little money at the thrift store to pick out their own books.
Try to avoid screens. I feel like this one might ruffle feathers, but hear me out. I’m not talking about an episode or 5 of a quality program in the family room. I’m talking about video games and phones. As my boys get older (now in 2nd and 3rd grade) I see how different childhood is with these devises calling out for their attention.
Have some family nights regularly. For example, my kids know every Friday night, we watch a family movie. We don’t make plans if we can avoid on those nights. That is our time to meet up on the couch for relaxation.
Have friends over– host people, let your kids host people. Build up your community right in front of them.
My biggest wish for everyone reading this is that you feel confident as a parent. I spent too much of my boys younger years worrying I was ruining them forever. It took me too many years to trust my instincts and that I was doing what I felt was right for my family. My boys are thriving these days, and I reflect on the time I wasted worrying about every single decision I made as a new mother. I wish I could go back and tell myself to breathe a little. I’ll be back in the coming days with more, but for now I’ll sign off by saying you are doing a wonderful job.