Heyyyyy y’all. It’s me. How’s it going? I’m feeling like a big loser. Last week was batshit, if you’ve not been following along on social media. Let me break it down for you: we got a foster placement of a 5 day old foster baby, while I was up with him in the middle of the night and my stomach was KILLING me. I can look back now and see I had been nauseated that day. I thought it was my nerves! It’s been such a long time since I’ve had a baby at home. By 6 am, I knew something was wrong. It didn’t take long before they let me know my appendix needed to come out… surgically. It was stressful and traumatizing to need emergency surgery. (Even though, yes, I know it’s a simple procedure that’s done regularly) I felt blind sided, caught off guard, SHOOK.
I have struggled through 2020– like a lot of people, I just feel like one small disappointment after another small disappointment is wearing me the hell out.
Sure, I want to focus on the joy. The goodness. I am TRYING. It’s just exhausting to have to dig so deep for sweetness. Every day feels like ground hog day or like you wished it was ground hog day because the new day we are groundhogging is worse than before!
I have lost a lot of work this year, something that brings me autonomy and joy. The kids hate wearing masks, they miss normal living. It’s a delicate balance between needing them to understand the we have to make concessions. But also… completely understanding their point of view. I have struggled to write this year. A fun kids activity or a new fashion find feels moot. Yet, I feel blank without writing. Without this creative expression that fuels me.
There feels like no right answers for navigating this time. You’re ungrateful if you complain, you’re too positive, tone deaf and/or ignorant if you don’t. This time feels heavy, yet it’s sprinkled with a slow joy that we may never get again in this life of achieving and box checking. My priorities feel different. My perspective softened.
What I have most taken away from 2020 is that beauty, pain, deep sorrow, happiness they can and will always coexist. We are allowed to feel what we feel when we feel it. Periodt.
This year has been filled to the brim with new things- we went on two cruises, we became a foster family, we visited Atlanta, St. George Island, 30A, Disney, LEGOLAND. We learned to live with masks and make safe decisions while we travel. We also learned how to be bored, make do with what we had, get creative, we watched a lot of movies, made a bunch of new recipes, and so much more.
2020 has been a peculiar year. There’s so much uncertainty I’ve hated about it, yet so many moments of growth and joy I have loved and will always be thankful for. Moments of rare raise and contemplation I would have never had before. 2020 was also the year I began to prioritize myself again. I started taking medicine for my acne and I got a peloton!
As we head into December, it’s a crisp 37 degrees in Florida this morning. I want to read more, build gingerbread houses with my kids, have actual video chats with friends far away instead of harried text conversations. I want to talk deep heart talks. I want to snuggle babies (the ones I’ve birthed and the ones I haven’t) I want to love and nurture and maintain this slower pace. So, I don’t rush pass an opportunity to impact someone. I want to write a book and have a podcast. I want to get bored and get creative. I want to eat delicious food, specifically desserts. I will be transitioning to a new format for this platform. Videos daily on Instagram and a daily blog post breaking it all down! Today’s video mentioned three elements:
1) 12 dates of Christmas by Jenny Bayliss. Audible has a great sale right now, so I rejoined! I love audiobooks.
2) My new pink Yeti 14 oz mug. It is so pretty and sparks joy for me. 10/10 recommend!
3) Untamed from Glennon Doyle. A friend sent it to me and I am but four pages in and already see I needed it.