And that’s on feeling weary.

September 27, 2020

I’ve been reading the letters of Zellie Martin lately. She, her husband, and her daughter are all saints. I read somewhere someone describing her letters 19th century blog posts, and I completely agree with this. She writes of her days– the celebrations, but also the mundane. She talks about tantrums, shopping for seasonally appropriate clothing, she shares these poetic highs and lows. I want my writing to be like that, I want to be applicable whether you are planning a fun and exciting family vacation or struggling through varying seasons of life.

For me, I’ve found 2020 to be a struggle. Since March, anxiety has dictated my every thought or choice or action. I want to live boldly without fear, trusting in the Lord. I’ve just found it particularly challenging as of late. I feel constantly as if I’m walking on one of those rickety old bridges, unsure if there’s another piece of wood to catch my foot, or if I’ll fall straight down into the water.

It is a weary season for many of us. In fact, it is a very emotional season. One day we feel things may be improving, the next it is unclear. We are worrying about health, our children, our jobs. I wonder if someone will say something unkind to my kids as I note the news telling me about a rise in hate crimes towards Asian American families. Life looks so different than it did for me in March, and maybe it is part of my problem. I’d settled into a beautiful groove of mothering, working, feeling fulfilled, seeking Jesus, my marriage, and my friends. Things felt steady and clear.

I also often wonder if I picked a bad time in my life to inquire about taking isotretinoin, my acne treatment. It is only a six month treatment, but the side effects feel so hard sometimes. My lips hurt, my eyes hurt, I’m always sleepy. Can I do this another three months while also managing a household of boys and all the appointments that come with foster care? I am going to continue to push through because my face feels so much better. (and slowly looking better too!) but I feel like I fall into bed by 8 pm. I see areas my chores and housework and blog work are suffering. I battle feelings of guilt while my husband picks up my slack, which just seems silly I know. But #momguilt is real, ya’ll.

For as much as I’m struggling, I have seen so much beauty in this year that been filled up with disappointments and closed doors. I want to keep pushing onward and seeking out beauty where I am, bloom where I’m planted, and all that. I’m going to do my best to shake off any mom guilt and focus on joy and playing with my kids, and raising boys that know how loved they are. My job in this crazy season is to ensure they feel secure. As we head into a new week, I want to remind you all that this is a truly unprecedented time. There is no guide book, we are all moving one foot at a time. Be encouraged. You’re doing a great job.

More about This Messy Season

This Messy Season is a blog serving families through practical tips for nurturing their families, emphasizing quality time and adventure. Helping young families bloom where they're planted, embrace their mess, and thrive through a series of honest, blog posts highlighting realistic travel tips, favorite products that simplify the work load of families, and family entertainment.